Training Camp

The last ten days have maybe been the craziest of my life. I have met some amazing people who love Jesus. God has worked on my (and my squads’) hearts in incredible ways. I can’t wait to continue to grow with these fellow followers of Jesus.
Training camp has brought unfamiliar foods, unique challenges, new friends, and more than one painful (but very good) {something to say look into the soul}. Around midway through camp we had a session about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something arguably most people see value in, but find extremely hard to do.
It can also be hard to even tell who you are harboring a feeling of hate or resentment toward. As the session was coming to a close, we were given time to pray about anyone we may need to forgive. At first I thought about the people I have forgiven before, “I’m all good there’s no one I’m holding anything against anymore” I thought. Two names then came to mind, and I just sat thinking about my relationship with each of them, I didn’t feel any animosity against these two. They didn’t really even have much in common, except both of them had said something very similar to me that affirmed feelings I already had about myself.
I know if I talked to either person about the instances that came to mind, they would tell me the way I took what was said was not how they felt about me. God showed me that for the past few years, I have hated myself, for not being enough on my own.
Now I am a generally positive person, I thought I had a good outlook on myself. Slowly. things started to make sense, the fact I won’t ask for help? I don’t feel worthy of it. I leave work after busting my butt feeling like I didn’t accomplish much? I won’t take off work for being sick or exhausted or really any reason? I way overload my schedule and stretch myself thin all the time? It all boils down to I feel like I have to be able to do everything and be responsible for how everything goes. The truth is, alone, I’m not enough. I just can’t do it all and I loathed myself for it.
But God is so kind and he loved me through it, and it’s okay to not be enough because God will equip us with what we need to serve him and he didn’t create us to try to do life alone. So, I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ENOUGH. This next season of my life I think will be marked by learning how to love myself as a child of God.